Why can't I start this car

What a travel day yesterday… I woke up at 4:00 AM to drive to Wilmington NC to catch my flight because the ticket was $500 cheaper from there than from Myrtle Beach. And don’t you think for a minute that meant I got a super deal on the ticket price.

The trip started out well, the flight out of Wilmington was on-time but that really never matters when you’re flying through Atlanta. You can just count on a delay when Atlanta is involved. There was an earlier flight but I thought to myself “hey it will only get me to Toronto an hour early just sit down and have breakfast instead”. Well my flight was delayed 2 ½ hours leaving Atlanta then you add the extra taxi time and next thing you know we were nearly 3 hours late.

That’s OK too… I have a prime seat at the gate and I’m #1 on the First Class Upgrade list, I’m Platinum, I have a high dollar ticket and I’ve been on the list for 2.5 hours and nobody has bumped me yet.

Wow, what was that pill I took? I thought it was an aspirin? Must not have been because I actually thought I’d swing that upgrade to First Class. What a hallucination! Not snowballs chance… Minutes before the flight departs some “Super Diamond Encrusted Platinum Jerk” steals my upgrade. Well no sense in whining, it won’t get me the seat anyway… Look on the bright side I have the entire exit row to myself.

We landed in Toronto and slid nicely over to the gate, rode the bus over to Immigrations and Customs. I told them I was here for work, whipped right through without a problem. Now darn it of all weeks to let me in they pick the one with the temps due to be below zero (F). Oh well I guess it’s the Canadian hospitality. I should just be grateful because Immigrations is one of my worst fears in life for some reason.

I trot on out to Hertz to pick-up the car and there are no cars. Just a very long line of folks wanting, wishing and waiting for cars. I think to myself “this is when it really pays to be Presidents Circle”; “I’ll be in and out of here before all these folks”. Can we say Naïve! No cars mean nobody has any priority over anyone else. I guess we were all Hertz Presidents Circle.

Being broken I humbly agreed to the first car available. The agent asked if I’d be OK with a BMW, then gently in a soft voice very much under his breath he added “Mini-Cooper”. I thought for a minute and then realized this as the little car about the size of a roller skate. Wow, I didn’t know BMW made these cars. What a change from the full sized car I reserved.

Oh well I agreed just so I could get the heck out of there and get to my room. I was told it would be about 15 minutes and my car would be pulled around. So off I go to the ATM to pull out some Canadian Currency to have change in my pocket for the toll road.

An hour later when my car finally arrived, all the Hertz Presidents Circle folks standing there drooling at each car as they come by hoping it’s there car. Like a bunch of gamblers around a Craps table in Las Vegas hoping their number has finally come up. Well “By God” it was my turn… I go over in front of this fine audience of professionals and get in the car. Perfect posture, smiling about to drive off in “MY” car.

Now wouldn’t that be all too simple… The clicker turns out to not have a key on it. I look around and see a “Start Engine” button on the dash. OK I think it’s like some of the others I’ve heard about that has a proximity clicker and if it’s in range you just press the button. Again can we say Naïve!

Let me see the start button does not work. Well I’ve had a car (Triumph Spitfire) before that would not start if the driver’s door is open… I’ll try closing the door. Darn that didn’t work. OK maybe it’s some other safety device preventing it from starting… Let see, maybe the seat belt. Not a chance there’s no way it’s not going to be that easy. Maybe the emergency brake, nope not that either.

Well I guess I’m going to have to duck my head a bit and go ask for help. Now any of you that know me realize it’s not a favorite thing of mine to have to ask for help. I walk over to the person at the exit gate who checks your contracts as you leave and ask if they can show someone who has driven nearly 30 years how to start a car. The reply was I don’t know how to do it. I’m just a security guard you need to find a Hertz person. A lot of help that was, I can’t find a Hertz person with God’s help. They know how angry these folks are and they are all hiding like cockroaches when you flip on the lights. I guess it’s time to do the un-thinkable and open the glove box and read the manual that comes with the car. Just so you know… “Techie folks don’t read manuals; we just figure it out on our own”.

Well after looking in the guide I see there is a slot you slide the clicker in, then depress the brake and press the start button while caressing the steering wheel whispering sweet nothings. OK it wasn’t quite that simple… But I was right the Drivers door had to be closed, the brake depressed and the start button pressed. By this point I have given up on finding the electric window button, I just don’t have the energy anymore. I’ll just pop the door open when I get to the gate and hand the contract up to the agent. Refer back to the “Drivers Door must remain shut”. The car stops. Well I close the door, press the brake hit the start button and off I go into the snowy Toronto traffic.

I found the window controls in the center of the console below the radio. This would be the radio that when I roll the dial simply changes radio stations. I thought I could control the volume by rolling the dials. Oh well I had not studied that far into the manual yet and shooting down the 409, 401 and 404 at 90 KPH in snow and in the dark reading Google maps in one hand does not allow the extra eye to finish reading the Mini-Cooper manual. So I just realize I’ll deal with that radio later. At least the volume was not so loud I couldn’t think. Lucky for me the blinkers and wipers are both located on the handles on the steering column. Can’t judge speed since it’s in Kilometers and the speedometer is dead center in the car for everyone to see (except the driver). The rear windshield wiper is on and I have no clue how to shut it off, oh well I’ll deal with that in the morning.

I get to the hotel feeling like a fool not knowing how to set the volume on the radio, not knowing how to start a car. Where is the defroster (center position), where are the electric locks (if you want to know you’ll just have to keep reading)… Just last week I was “Hip”, I had an iTouch, TiVo I was right up there with the latest technology. Now I feel so broken I may need a hip.

Well what a difference a good night sleep and reading the manual can make. The radio volume is the dial directly below the CD player above the string of buttons that control from left to right (driver’s window, fog lamps, electric door lock, boot release “British for Trunk” and passenger window). The radio can be tuned using the dial just above the CD player in the center of the Speedometer.

Looking higher up on the ceiling just above the mirror is another string of switches that control reading lamps on each side of the car and one for the dome light (3 switches there). Another to set the light colors… Oh my God how old am I to think “Who needs mood lighting in a car the size of a roller-skate?” Then another switch to open the sunroof (if only there were sun to appreciate).

Oh well suck it up… I think I can do this… I whirl out on the freshly fallen and still falling snow that is coming down at whiteout speed and start my 30 minute trek up the freeway. I pass people in the ditches (these are the folks that know how to drive in the snow and ice, unlike me – whose motto is “I don’t OWN an Ice-Scraper and have no plans to buy one”).

I get near my destination and decide to get a cup of coffee at the Tim Horton’s. Down goes the window, place my order drive up get my coffee and off I go rolling up my window. Wow, I’ve mastered this car. Well not quite yet. The window goes up, and then goes back down half way. Wonder why that happens? I’ll try it again and again and again. I finally figure it must be some snow or ice on the window seal wipe it with my hand and see if that help. Well I’ll be darn, I got one right.

The good thing the people here are a dream to work with… What a nice group of folks, I guess they could see on my face that I was a man on the edge and decided to be kind to me and not push me over that edge. Maybe it was fear? Oh well who cares they treated me nice.

Well I wonder what challenge will face me in the morning… I miss my 14 year old car that I know how to drive. I want to go south and get back in the balmy 50F weather.

Now I’m done wasting your time. Say a short prayer for me that I can find the roller skate in the parking lot in the morning. I hope they don’t cover it with snow when they plow the parking lot tonight.